My turn to decide

It's that point of my life, where things are changing again. Some for the worst and some for the very best. I'll admit to who I am is not always the best but rest assured, I'm always making an effort to be better. My time is here and I'm in the driver's seat. It's my turn to take charge, it's my turn to be. It's my turn to decide.

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To my dearest Mother

To my dearest Mother,

(Please know that I really wanted to tell you in person but to wait another day when you are dying inside to know, this is the only way I can open up to you)

I write to you in hopes that you would have a better understanding of the man that stands before you now, The man that you have raised that made him who he is today.

I would first like to apologize for putting you through the stress and confusion of these past few months. I could only imagine the kind of things you worry about when it comes to me. The thing is, you’re right. I haven’t been telling you everything, which is why you are constantly worrying about what I’m actually doing up here. I want to tell you everything but for that very reason, I’m afraid that when you learn the truth, you wouldn’t accept it. However, it has come to a point that who I am is neither wrong nor is it fad.

Mom, the truth is, I am gay. I don’t expect a pleasant reaction from you, as this is very difficult and heavy news to take in. And I can’t control the thoughts and ideas that you may be having but I just want you to be open and absorb what I have learned about myself and the world we live in.

Mom, you did nothing wrong, you did everything you could as a mother to protect me and keep me from negative influence. But being gay was something that I always was. You know it too, the person I was growing up, I would choose to hang out with girls, play with dolls, sing Celine Dion, and other things that people would classify as abnormal. But when we ask ourselves, in regards to that, what is normal? It’s more like what is unruly? Because for so long society has capitalized the idea of what I call “gender agenda.”

I was different. Is that such a bad thing? But I was also loving, kind, generous, polite, considerate, understanding, and high-spirited – All remarkable traits that I have attained from you, my mother. And people see that. They see the goodness in me because they know my intentions are true and honorable regardless of my orientation. They have no problem with it. Like Dr.Sues always said “be who you are, say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

So, if you question what you did wrong, don’t because you did absolutely nothing wrong. You were the mother that you were supposed to be, unconditionally loving, protective, cherishing, and supportive. That’s all that I could ever ask for.

Going on, hiding my sexuality from you has put me through so much hurt because I value our relationship a lot. My biggest fear was losing that, losing you, the only person in the most difficult times of my life has stayed with me and loved me for who I was. You defended me when everyone else thought the worst; you encouraged me when I thought the worst.

What hurts the most is the fact that we are so close and having so much to say but refusing to tell you because of the thought of you walking away. I don’t know how I could live with myself. Home is where the heart is and whenever I need it, you are my home. Losing that for the sake of truly being myself wasn’t worth it but pretending to be someone else and constantly lying to people about who I am wasn’t worth it either. I confided within myself and cried myself to sleep just to get over the torment of not being loved and accepted by you. That’s how I felt.

Mom, the only thing I regret from all of this was not being the one to come to you first. You were the one who gave me life but it was specifically that reason that I didn’t want to tell you, because no one’s sense of approval was more important to me than yours. It still is but then again, so is mine. This is who I am and I am happy.

Trust that I would never do anything that would compromise my integrity and my dignity. I am driven to fulfill my dreams and effect change within the hearts of others.

As for the relationship thing, you know me better to think that I would allow myself to subject to anything less than I deserve. I know not to get into dangerous and harmful situations, especially ones that are unnecessary and reckless. I have surrounded myself around loyal and trustworthy friends.

Not only that but I am involved with someone, a guy, who is good to me, cares for me, respects and accepts me for all that I am, all that I’m not, and all that I want to be. He encourages and supports me in all that I want to accomplish.

I want to stop pushing you away from knowing my life. And being gay is my life. I want to be honest with you and include you in everything rather than keep you in the dark.

I love you Mom. I am still Andrew, but an Andrew who is getting stronger and wiser everyday.

p.s. please feel free to read through my writings and posts.